Bits & Bobs #9

...therefore, it is right

Little critter tracks that bear witness….

Bits & Bobs #9.

I really don’t like the number nine. In fact, I don’t prefer odd numbers at all and set my alarms only to evens. There’s something so satisfying about a good “22” and “44”. ***Closes eyes and exhales a “yaassss”***

Anyone else have “number aversions”, though?

Year number nine was awfully difficult for me, and this is the best I can trace it all back to. Naturally, I was in the 3rd grade when I was really going through it (I don’t really like the number three, either). It was a year marked with a sickness that sparked so much fear, anxiety, doctors appointments, tests and instability in my little mind. I actually still deal with the repercussions and long-reaching tendrils of emetophobia (fear of throwing up…I actually haven’t puked since April of 1991…when I was nine) because of it all. By God’s grace, I have come a LONG way and have experienced a lot of freedom from fears that once left me unable to cope, but all I’m saying is that I think this is why I don’t like the number nine.

Wow, I didn’t plan on writing all of this when I sat down at my computer this evening, but typing out “#9” got me thinking about all of it. Mostly thoughts of gratitude, actually.

I know number aversions and emetaphobia are weird things, but we all have weird things. We all go through stuff that marks us. We all have internal battles to deal with. We all have issues so strange they beg to stay hidden in the shadows. I bet if we all counted to three (or four, hahaaaaa) and laid all our “weird” on the table together, we’d be comforted by the fact we’re not so odd or alone.

I’m full of gratitude because overtime I have been learning not to lean into the “flaws”. With God’s help, I have erased some of the identity-shaping labels they have placed on me. Even though I may wake up at 5:44 instead of 5:45, it’s simply a flexible little oddity and not something that controls me. Heck, I just cleaned up puke two days ago (thanks Mike) and didn’t bat an eye.

This leads to the first of today’s “bits”:

1 - I was listening to a message by doctor Kathy Koch, a six-foot genius of a woman who has a voice as deep as a man. The title of the sermon is “You are Who God Wants You to Be”, and in it she talks about how she used to dislike the fact she was created to be so tall and has, at times, hated her voice. The point of her message: we don’t live in the control of flaws and we let God alone define us.

Here’s what she says: “I don’t give into it at all (self criticism) anymore. I was created with a low voice, and yeah I know I sound like a guy. But you know what’s interesting about my low voice? Even though I haven’t liked it at times, it is my voice, therefore it is right. Because God is a good, strategic, intentional, unique, personal, loving Creator who doesn't make mistakes. Low voices have more authority and carry further than high voices, and I am a teacher and speaker, so it was part of God’s creative intent with me. If I keep living as too tall or a voice too deep I am dishonoring God’s creative skill and I’m wasting my time.”

Kathy’s message has stuck with me, and I have since been repeating the sentence “This is my voice, therefore it is right.” I have spent YEARS hating my singing voice, and yet God saw fit to make me a worship leader. I compare my voice to that of others and wonder why I even have a microphone in front of my face. I’m quite hard on myself over it all, actually. Today, as I sat at the piano, I felt the relief of “this is my voice, therefore it is right.” God wove my vocal cord together with His own creativity. Nobody else has my cadences and pitch. It is mine. It is right. He alone has placed me where I am and I get to lift my artwork up to Him as praise.

What, now, can you take from this little message?

2 - Addie’s previous orchestra conductor (Audrey) has been climbing out of a very intense battle with an aggressive form of cancer, and I have been following along her journey via Caring Bridge. Recently she celebrated her last chemo appointment and had her port removed (completely miraculous!!!) and now her hair has begun to grow back. She wrote, “Today I had a bad hair day AND I LOVED IT”!

Perspective. Praise God for bad hair days.

3 - Speaking of, there’s an unknown quote that simply says, “Being alive is a special occasion.” You guys, lets burn down the good candles and wear the fun clothes on a gray Tuesday and use the good dishes and dance around the kitchen and sip tea slowly and slow our paces and taste the dessert. Today is a special occasion because we’re alive to see it.

4 - SPEAKING OF, I saw a video of a golden retriever enjoying life, and the caption was, “He never has a bad day, not because bad things don’t happen, but because it doesn’t register as bad to him.” PERSPECTIVE.

5 - So much has been going on with the Bethel thing, right? I watched like an hour and a half of that 5 hour documentary about Bethel and Shawn Bolz and simply couldn’t take any more. Well, Bethel responded, then documentary guy responded back, and like everyone else I have opinions. What I’m gleaning the most, as I do with any uproar like this, is what not to do in ministry. It makes me all the more grateful for our “hidden” status and causes me to desire more anonymity. Our prayer ever-increasing is this: “Oh, that they might know You and not us. Let us be transparent. May they see You first as we simply point others in Your direction.”

And about all the loud opinions on the matter: I don’t condone anything Danny Silk does because I don’t know the guy at all (and tread lightly here), but what he had to say in this particular quote is notable, “We must resist the urge to join a bandwagon against people or places we have no relational cost in. If criticism costs me nothing, I am almost certainly the wrong person to wield it.”

This doesn’t mean we should glaze over the deep hurts of this situation, but perhaps all of us on the sidelines would be better off covering the whole thing in prayer instead of muddying the conversation with our own accusational language. Let’s pray, observe, learn and become better.

6 - I was finally able to take an outdoor walk yesterday (goodness, that was a long and bitter cold snap), and I just love noting little tracks in the snow. These tiny prints bear witness to all the critters who share my walking path. Almost always hidden from my view, but ever there. I find this endearing.

7 - Here I am, ending on an odd number, but one more bit I’d love to add…I have found it so fulfilling to enter my seventh month of eating well. I’ve never had an unhealthy relationship with food, but I was simply careless when it came to fueling my body. Perhaps I was merely uninformed.

I’ve been able to separate “what does my flesh want” from “what is good for my body to ingest” and have found more pleasure in slow, thoughtful nourishment over careless consumption. My mind and body feel better, and my pain has recently been a bit quieter. Next goal - better hydration. :)

As we begin a new week, let me circle back to the thoughts I began with in this article. You most certainly have weird issues, a litany of insecurities and various oddities, but let’s allow these things propel us further into the arms of Christ instead of allowing them to stamp identities upon us. I am not an emetophobe, I am a person who is healing. You are not a _________, you are a child of God who is deeply cared for. You are healing, too, if you choose to walk in that direction.

Your voice is your own, therefore it is right. Your skin, eye color, laugh, talents, abilities and personality (etc) are your own, therefore they are right. Walk in this, friends. Relax in these truths. Right now is a special occasion and your bad hair days are blessings. Let’s silence our many opinions and be people of prayer, encouragement and holy, humble confidence instead. Yes and amen.

With Love,

Sarah Beth Gerbers